Fly

It's today.

Today, I load my bags which a small child could easily fit in...hmmmmm. Today I say goodbye to those I love the most and get on a plane all by myself. Today is the tangible start of my journey to where God is calling me.

I do have a small confession before I begin my journey. Yes, my motivation which drove me with so much determination to this place was God's calling and my deep rooted desire to serve and love people with all I have.

Motivation one: be the picture of Jesus.

But there is another motive, one deep inside which I've told only a few.....

To preface, my brokenness led me to this specific, first trip (though not to the mission field itself), whether I realized it at the time or not. My own pain spurred me on. In my heartache, I was too stubborn to give up; I would show them, and more importantly I would show myself, that I was not only going to make it through, but God and I were going to do something grand to spite my dark situation. Call it pride, call it tenacity, call it perseverance. Regardless...

This being said, I realized the other night that I not only hope to find ways to love people, I seek healing. I seek God. At very least, a little perspective. Deep inside my heart, I have a deep and shamefully selfish desperation for God to bring some resolve to some issues or at least, and most likely, get my focus off of myself and onto loving people who hurt exponentially worse than I do on a regular basis. I pray that my prayers and worries and thoughts will stop being me and my problems. I'm so sick of my me-ness. If life is a play, I'm certainly not the main character I'm probably that girl who's too full of stage fright to even play a supporting character and I don't need a solution to walk in freedom or to lead others to it. I'm broken. Ask anyone who is close to me; I'm probably a pain to be around. But God always (and I'm pretty sure, only) uses broken people to heal others and bring hope in darkness.

This is my hope for the trip; that I would find God, that He would reveal Himself to me (as I know we will be working very closely on this trip), and that He would use me in my brokenness to heal others and love till it hurts.

I know this last blog post before my trip was supposed to be inspirational and peppy and such, but I felt it had to be said. Am I excited? Yes! Am I scared? Yes. How does it feel for God to bring you to the front door of your dreams? Absolutely blissful.....

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me or supported me financially or with their words. I love you all; you hold me up when I can't stand and you encourage me to pursue my dreams and all God has for me. I have never felt loved by so many and words can't express my gratitude. I will write you when I return and tell you many stories about my adventures :)

Now excuse me. The door of my cage has opened and I will now fly away....